The Marriage of Waddles
by congressmanmabel
Summary: As Mabel assigns her family and friends roles of Waddles and Gompers's wedding, Stan and Dipper (though not enthused) participate for one important reason. [Canon Compliant to The Love God]


"Today's the big day!" Mabel squealed joyfully as she finished dressing up Waddles and Gompers, both of whom were duct-taped to each other. The pig was fitted into his small top hat and black bow tie while the goat had a white veal taped to his horns.

On the previous day, Mabel announced the wedding of the two livestock to her family and friends as well as everyone's assigned roles for the ceremony. Dipper was assigned Waddles's best man while Candy, Grenda and Wendy were the Gomper's bridesmaids, with Grenda as the maid of honor. Soos was to be the DJ for the reception, and Stan was to serve as the officiant who was to wed the happy couple. While Candy, Grenda and Soos were happily on board, Dipper, Wendy and Stan were less enthused.

"Mabel, I'm don't think that Waddles and Gompers should be taped together like this." Dipper suggested as he approached his sister. "Don't you think that it's against their best interest?"

"But Dipper, they're in love!" Mabel argued, gesturing towards the content animals.

Dipper playfully shook his head. His sister certainly possessed her own brand of weirdness, with her hyper-attention on pairing couples. But seeing Mabel so passionate on spreading love and her all around positive energy made Dipper have some second thoughts. She was only a lover, not a hater. Dipper also noticed how Waddles and Gompers did not seem to mind being stuck together. The preteen decided not to make a big fuss and to simply let his sister do her own thing.

"I suppose they are." Dipper said as he patted Waddles on the head.

As the twins conversed, Stan approached his niece while fixing his tie.

"Look sweetie, I know you really like your match-making schtick, but this is really gettin' outta hand."

"Grunkle Stan…" Mabel gaped.

"Kiddo, I'm not really the most qualified person to bless a marriage. Couldn't you just have Soos do this?" Stan explained.

"No way Grunkle Stan, you know how Soos gets overly emotional at weddings!" Mabel exclaimed.

"No, I don't." Stan deadpanned. "And why couldn't I be the DJ?"

"Because Soos has better taste in music than you do, and he's the most musically inclined out of everyone here." Mabel answered.

Stan frowned, insulted by his niece's unintentionally degrading response. "Look, you know I'm not officially ordained to marry any couple, human or otherwise…" He explained, while sneering at the taped animals. "So I don't think I can-"

"PLLLEEEEEEAAASE?" Mabel begged, her youthful eyes widening with sadness.

Stan stared at his distraught niece. He may be a scheming shyster who would con any person without a second thought or an ounce of regret. But even a professional scammer such as himself would not stoop so low as to make his family cry.

Stan sighed with great exasperation. "Fine, I'll marry those dumb animals for ya. But I ain't paying for their honeymoon!"

"Yaaay!" Mabel cheered.

"Mabel!"

The young girl turned to see her people, Candy and Grenda, elegantly dressed for the wedding ceremony. Grenda was dressed in a sparkling gold dress while Candy wore a simple blue satin dress.

"Girls!" Mabel cheered as she ran to hug her friends. "I can't thank you two enough for attending the wedding!"

"We should be thanking you for inviting us." Candy replied.

"We're more than happy to be here Mabel!" Grenda added.

As the three girls chatted, Dipper and Stan helped put the final touches on the wedding decorations in the back yard.

"I can't believe I'm being roped into doing this." Stan complained.

"Look on the bright side Mr. Pines," Wendy spoke up. "Promoting interspecies marriages would probably boost business at the Mystery Shack."

"Not to mention it would polish your image from deceiving con artist into a progressive salesman." Dipper quipped.

"Alright, I didn't agree to be apart of this trainwreck just to hear you two smart alecks crackin' wise." Stan snapped, causing Dipper and Wendy to bust out laughing.

Soos walked up "But you did agree to this because you believe the marriage between two people is a beautiful thing that should be held sacred, right Mr. Pines?"

 _Yes Soos, say that to the man who's been divorced once and dumped by too many women to count._ Stan thought bitterly. "No Soos. Marriage is terrible. Why do you think most of my jokes are about them?!"

"But you do want Mabel to be happy, right?" Dipper interrupted as he walked towards Stan.

Stan shook his head smilingly at his nephew. "You've seen right through me kid."

"Grunkle Stan, the happy couple are ready to be wed!" Mabel sang.

"Alright, places everyone!" Stan shouted. "The sooner we get this over with, the better."

Stan took his place underneath the yellow work ladder, which was decorated with colorful ribbons. It may not have been the proper _chuppah_ , but it was close enough. Dipper stood next to Stan and straightened out his red bowtie. Soos sprinted towards the table and opened up his laptop while Wendy grabbed the rolled up white carpet and moved back to where Waddles and Gompers were. Mabel, Candy and Grenda quickly ran towards the left of Stan, taking their place as the bridesmaids.

Wendy unrolled the white fabric towards Stan, who stood underneath the ladder. Gompers and Waddles stood at the edge of the white carpet staring at the end of the aisle. Soos got to work with his laptop, and the quiet melody of Johann Pachelbel's _Canon in D_ emitted from the speakers.

Gompers bleated happily, starting to stroll his way down the carpet, muddying the white fabric in the process. Grenda tried her best to contain the tears of joy as the couple made their way down the aisle. Candy comforted her friend with a side hug. Soos took a handful of tissues and wiped away the tears of joy that streamed down his face. Wendy stretched her arms, not paying much attention to the grand ceremony. Gompers and Waddles neared toward the irate businessman and his equally annoyed nephew.

Stan and Dipper clearly wanted to be anywhere else but here. But they decided it was best to play along with Mabel's little wedding so that she would be happy. The Grunkle and nephew exchanged miffed expressions before the elder Pines approached the soon-to-be newly weds. He loudly cleared his throat before speaking.

"We have gathered here today to humor my niece by binding these two farm animals, both figuratively and literally, in holy matra-...matro...matrin- matrimin- blah"

"Holy matrimony." Dipper assisted with a harsh whisper.

"Thanks kiddo," Stan said. "By binding these two farm animals in holy matrimoney."

Dipper slapped in forehead with great frustration.

"Now Waddles, do you take Gompers to be your wedded wife?" The small pig only oinked in response. Stan furrowed his brow at the pig. "I'll take that as a yes then. So, do you promise to love, cherish and protect him, whether in good fortune or in adversity, in sickness and in health, and to seek with him a life hallowed by the faith of Israel?"

Waddles silently stared back at the old man.

"I ain't gettin' any younger here pig."

Silence continued to fill the air.

"Ugh, I guess that's also a yes." Stan groaned. The unofficial officiant then turned to the brown goat.

"And do you Gompers, take Waddles to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

The goat released a weak bleat.

"Okay. So, do you promise to love, cherish and protect him, whether in good fortune or in adversity, in sickness and in health, and to seek with him a life hallowed by the faith of Israel?"

 _Or until one of yous files for divorce._ Stan thought.

The goat bleated happily.

Stan groaned. "So if anyone here has any reason, besides, y'know, human decency and common sense, as to why these animals shouldn't be wed,"

Wendy was quick to raise her hand.

"-you can keep your mouths shut because Mabel doesn't want to hear it."

The redhead silently lowered her hand, allowing the livestock to be resigned to their fate, secretly sad for their lack of agency in the matter.

The tired old man opened up a can of warm Pitt Soda, pouring it into a ceremonial wine glass. He tried to give it to Waddles, who only refused.

"C'mon pig," Stan grunted at Waddles. "Hey Dipper, can you help your old man out?"

Dipper immediately ran to Waddles's side. The boy coaxed the pig to open his mouth as Stan quickly poured the carbonated beverage into the pig's opening. Dipper scratched behind Waddles's ears for cooperating with the annoyed businessman.

Stan moved towards Gompers, who was quick to accept the ceremonial drink from his owner. Once the glass was empty of its content, Stan placed it on the ground between himself and the couple.

"There, you two are officially married. Welcome to the end of your lives." Stan declared as he stepped on the wine glass on behalf of Waddles.

Dipper reached into his vest pocket, grabbing a handful of rice. He threw the ceremonial rice into the air while wearing an unamused expression.

"Mazeltov." The preteen said with a frown.

Mabel, Candy, Grenda, and Soos cheered with profound joy as the happy couple were officially pronounced husband and wife. Stan and Dipper could care less about the silly ceremony, but they were content that they made Mabel happy.

 **AN: I rediscovered this gem of a post on tumblr (thesnadger. /post/147506546005/ludogogo-gravityanomaly-thewittyarsonist), which hilariously explains the possible hijinks surrounding Waddles and Gompers's wedding during the end credits of The Love God. These explanations on how Stan's unenthusiasm on the marriage brought upon great inspiration to me, so I decided to write this fic.**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed reading this little story!**


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